H week

so i am this crazy person who makes a hell week for myself... yes i know. retarded, but hey... after losing all of the 5 pounds that I've gained in the past month in just this week... it is worth it!

i have been eating so freaking good, working out 2-3 times a day and getting some great sleep. also loading up on tons of vitamins... my work drawers are like a freaking pharmacy! But I feel so amazing! I don't feel gross anymore. i have not only noticed a difference on the scale, but on my skin, my hair, my nails, my mind, my attitude and most of all... my happiness! i needed this week to get me motivated for the next 12 weeks to come and i definitely got that motivation! Not only from how good i feel, but from my Cam and his flight plans! and since I posted those plans basically everywhere, including the fridge, everyone asks about it, which makes me more excited and gives me more motivation!

in the next 12 weeks i have 7 pounds to lose and a ton of muscle to gain but I know that I can do it! after all... I have already lost 16 pounds! I have decided that the past few weeks were enough stress for the year and I am going to make these next 12 weeks the happiest ones ever. Of course there are always stressful times, but it doesn't mean you have to be stress. it's a choice and I will choose not to be.

Its amazing how clear my mind has gotten this week and how motivated and determined I am. I know what I want and my mind is set! A big BIG apology for my behavior the past few weeks to everyone! Stress, bad eating, that blasted period and missing my Sweetheart literally killed me and got to me in the worst way. I promise I will be better and i know you will all notice it... I promise I haven't turned into a monster! haha I really do love you all :)

Anyways, this week has been an incredible success and I am happy! Now none of you are allowed to tempt me with naught treats for the next 12 weeks and if you want to talk about cam... i really don't mind it :) 88 days ya'll! :)

he's too good to me

sometimes all you need is your best friend to tell you he loves you, to calm down and just be happy.

he can make anything and everything better. i sure am blessed! he is one amazing man!

complete

as much of a long, emotional and exhausting process figuring out schooling was...

i am officially registered and this semester is paid for! blessings do come if you endure! :)

p.s only 96 more days people! :)

that time again...

i am messy, eating more chocolate than usual, and any other fatty food for that matter. plus my brain is telling me lies... its refocusing time. i have 98 days to accomplish these goals:

register for classes
figure out student loans
get good grades
save moneys
lose my last 10-15 pounds
get in the habit of healthy eating
go to the temple once a week
read the book of mormon
keep my room clean for 97 days
be happy

i have a lot to do. but i can do it! and my reward if i finish all of these? SHOPPING SPREE right before Cam gets home :) Lets do this!

to the max

The past two weeks I can honestly say have been the most stressful weeks of my life! So please excuse my broken out face, excessive eating and moody attitude... i just need a moment.

Thank you to the temple, prayer, my family and my Heavenly Father because I am finally finding clarity and direction. There are many changes going on with me and I am not ready to release them all but stay tuned... there could be big news!

As for my sweetheart, I still love him more than anything! We are happy and in love. And here comes the big BUT.... he is stressing me out just a little with all the wedding stuff. Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him more than anything, but I am learning that I just don't deal well with things that are rushed, and I don't see why we need to rush anything. Plus I can't handle the stress of planning a wedding right now, there are things I still need to figure out. I wrote him this week letting him know that we both need to still focus on ourselves individually and then we will work on us together when he gets home and just being happy and having fun as a pre-married couple :) It will all be good and the end goal is still being sealed in the temple, and it doesn't matter when that is!

Today I am going to let go of all the stress and just get my life back in order. Today, I am getting back to HAPPY!

life is hard.

please excuse me while i express my feelings for a moment.

at one point i knew exactly what i wanted and was sure that i was making the right decisions. and now, im back to being lost. i feel like every decision that ever felt right, now was the worst decision ever. this is why i hate making decisions, because right now i feel like i have messed up my life. i know that isn't true of course, but i think about all the decisions i have made and just feel so lost again. ugh. 

i know what the Lord is doing. he is teaching me a lesson and telling me that i can't tell him how my life is going to go. only he can do that. and being a control freak does not help! 

there is only one decision that i am absolutely certain about at this point and that is Cameron. I have absolutely no doubts about him and us. 

everything else though... Heavenly Father help me :(

Spoiled little boy

yes there are only four more months left. i still remember the day i said goodbye! i can't believe how fast it is going....

but there are still some days that feel like forever or a week that just will not end.

cam knows how i feel, and sometimes it can be hard.

he is so focused on the work and what he is doing, but inside, we are both just wanting to be in each other's arms. lets face it.

we miss each other!

But we are so close and we can't let it get to us so I sent cam two huge packages this week with tons of memories to go with the things I put inside. I know it will make him so happy and he just needed the little bit of happiness to keep him going till the end! I can't wait to hear about what he thought!

the things i do for this boy. :)

its thursday

• comfy clothes
• diet coke
• king size candy bars
• a quesadilla
• a blankie
• smooth tunes
• motrine

it's definitely that wonderful time. i guess i should see it as a blessing? gosh blast.

song.

cowboys and angels.

pretty sunday mornings

please excuse me while i write down a few of my thoughts...

as much as i have loved cameron being on his mission and the blessings that have come from his service, it really just sucks sometimes. today i start the count down to four months until he gets home and although that seems so close, i'm about done with this whole distance thing. the thoughts of seeing him at the airport almost literally kill me. i want it to be now. i want him home, in my arms. happy and in love. but i must wait and we still are happy and in love.

it doesn't help either that all of our friends are getting married and engaged daily. not an exaggeration. i see all of their pictures and how happy they are and again... i want him to be home. i am already tired of just planning ours, i want to start doing things, but it is too soon and that is another thing i must wait for. waiting is such a weird phase, and according to my patriarchal blessing, patience is a virtue i have... guess i should use it.

me and cam talk a lot about how hard satan is working on us. and it is noticeable. this week especially i just wanted to run away and hide from him! but the Lord is always there helping us and getting us through. we will do great things and we are way too strong for satan to break us. plus with a man like cam to lean on, i shouldn't have any fear.

i didn't get his letter this week, which is actually humbling. as much as i needed it, the lord knows what he is doing and it will come at the right time.

my race is in two weeks, which is crazy to think about but i am actually pretty excited! yesterday's run was pretty good and i feel like I am accomplishing so much.

life is good. and patience is a virtue.

blessings

the Lord teaches you so much about how to live your life to be the happiest you can be through the spirit and its amazing how different accepting and believing what you are taught is compared to being tested on what you learned. I truly believe that He doesn't want to give us trials and tests that make us sad and uncomfortable sometimes but it the only way we can truly grow and learn the real lesson we need to. there is opposition in all things, therefore to know true happiness, you may have to know sadness. I cannot express enough how blessed I am for the trials in my life and the lessons I have learned. It seems like the closer it gets to Cameron coming home, the more I am being tested and tried, but I know he is preparing me for the amazing blessings that are to come. I love him with all my heart!

Not only is my Savior right there by my side guiding and directing me, but so is my sweet Cameron. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. Yes, he may be on a mission and is spiritual mode all of the time to the max, but how intune to the spirit he is inspires me. He always knows what to say that goes along with what I am going through and is always there to be my strength. I am so blessed to have him by my side for eternity. He encouraged me today to get out my patriarchal blessing and to read all of the amazing things I have going on and have to look forward to. So here it sits, right next to me.

I want to just testify of the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is real and I KNOW that Christ suffered and died for me, that when I take the wrong path, he will guide me back and bring me to peace. He wants me to be happy and I can't even imagine the love he has for me that he would bleed from every pore to feel exactly how I am feeling. It is comforting to know that I can talk to him because he knows what I am going through. The amazing thing is that the Atonement is for everyone and can bring happiness to everyone, if you really try and change to be better. I want to be better and will strive to be better every single day. Each day is a new day to start out fresh and be better than the day before. So I am grateful for tomorrow and the lessons I will learn!

almost my time

today was definitely a roller coaster. great times and rough times.

first a huge thanks to my wonderful sisters and brother in law who helped me get through this morning's 8 mile run. i really thought i was going to die but they were all cheering me on and keeping me going. i sure love them, even though misty makes us run uphill the whole way... not an exaggeration.
then shopping with my mom, she is just the greatest. followed by buying some new running shoes :)
by then i am completely exhausted and just want to take a nap which didn't really happen because i got into this argument with someone through text about me and cameron so that made me a bit upset, but i just brushed it off.
i got ready and went to Brandon and Kenzie's wedding luncheon. they have got to be the cutest couple in the world. it started out so great and then i had a mini meltdown... okay i may have been bawling but the lights were off and only Noelle could tell so we're good!
after i just relaxed at home and read my wonderful letter from my Cam until the reception started and then helped through all of that. everything turned out perfectly and i was so happy for them! only one more really tiny meltdown but it was all just wonderful.
now i am just so tired and im going to snuggle up with my camo bear and go to sleep. that was enough for one day.

my day will come, and when it does... it will be perfect! only five more months! I can do this! and i apologize for all the cheesy mushy gushy posts today. forgive me, im in love.

missing him

i haven't had a melt down in a really long time. of course i miss Cameron all the time but not to the point of breaking down. something about that song mixed with the happiness of love and marriage hit me and yep, i lost it. i knew it was coming, just wasn't ready for it to be at that moment today.

having a missionary boyfriend out isn't easy. saying goodbye to each other was probably the hardest thing we have ever had to do. i had someone tell me today that he "left" me here alone and basically judged him for doing that, note this person is not a member and doesn't know the true purpose for a mission, but it really made me upset. my reaction? i support him 110% and would not have it any other way, and i mean that.

when you find the person you are meant to spend eternity with, you just know and nothing will get in your way of being with them. yes, two years is a long time and it's very hard, but i know that in the end it will all be worth it. that moment in the airport when i see his face for the first time and am in his arms, it is a moment i dream about. and when i finally get to be sealed to him for all eternity, that is when everything that we are going through will be all worth it.

i miss him, but i love him enough to wait. he is mine and i am his.

better

today i am going to have a better day and be happy. i apologize to all those i was a brat to yesterday, i guess the "chocolate craving time" took over control. I had some pretty fun conversations with my two mom's though because of it, they always make me smile and laugh. but today i will start my day off right and good. and it already has been a pretty good morning although i have only been up for 15 minutes. remember everything i ate yesterday? yes, the whole world. well, i get on the scale to see how much i gained and remember, i have this 146.4 barrier. 146.... hmmmm interesting. i'll take it though! i also woke up to a clean room! guess i forgot i spent all night cleaning it yesterday. i slept in (yes 6 am is sleeping in) and woke up smelling like tanning lotion, perfect temp and listening to the birds outside my window. almost perfect! give it a year and it will definitely be perfect. yesterday i was missing my cam so so much, and last night i had a dream about going to pick him up from the airport...i can do it! 199! thats all i have left. i feel like this will be such a better day.

here's to eating good, clean clothes and a smile for the day :)

come home.

lets be honest here. i want cam home.

now.

this whole two years thing is getting old real fast. i miss my best friend. i miss him being here with me, at my side always. i miss his laugh, his giggle. i miss his cute smile and how happy he always made me. time is going way too slow for my liking. i still have a lot to do before he gets home, but i don't even care anymore if those things get done or not. i just want his arms around me and my hand in his.

come home soon please.

lessons that you learn in life

it's not that i don't enjoy blogging anymore, because i could never stop loving it, but i have had way too much on my mind the past few weeks to both gather my thoughts and refrain from saying things i may regret. lets be honest, i was not a happy sky the past almost two months and its been very difficult. but the lord definitely works in mysterious ways and this time he had to bring me at an all time low to really learn some life changing lessons. i learned a lot today.

i know that he sent me to my family for a reason, because he knew what i would be facing in this stage of my life. he gave me them for examples and guidance throughout the hardest, yet best years of my life. and the one saving angel he gave me, my mommy. she is undeniably incredible. she sees the bigger pictures when i know i don't at all. she loves me although i make mistakes and she is there with such a pure love. no other woman could have taught me better than her, because she gets it. she knows the realities of life and she is so close to our heavenly father that she knows what will help us best enjoy life and get back to live with him. today i was able to talk with her and figure out what really makes me happy in life and how i am going to really have the best life. she is amazing.

god loves us. he always has and always will no matter how hard we try to push him away or simply ignore him for a while, he welcomes us back with open arms. its hard to think that there were times when i forgot he was even there. but i know he understands and will bring us down, so that he can lift us higher. he loves us with an infinite love. and i love him.

i saw this quote today that summed my entire morning up. "challenges are events in life, not life itself." i used to think that way. but after much conversation with my amazing mom and the dad upstairs, life is good and is going to get so much better :)

That moment when...

It is that exact moment when you are hiding under your covers from the world and realize why.

I am a lazy... idiot.

I am not doing anything with my life. It seems like I am, and I can justify it in every way possible. But the truth is, I have been hiding from all the hard things in life. All the things that mean hard work and dedication have to be involved. I was simply just existing, not living. Sometimes I can be real stupid.

One of my favorite parts in Despicable Me is when Gru has a thought and says, "Light Bulb." That is exactly how I feel. Not only am I letting myself slack off and am turning into this depressed person, who is definitely not me, I am basically letting my future pass me by. I want to live my life with no regrets, and I am filling up a bucked full of them! This isn't me. And it won't be me.

Wow, I feel better already! I might even clean my room now!

private thoughts?

I never thought I would feel like this. As crazy and weird as it may sound, I really do love sharing my life with the world.

But it's days like today that make me want to change this blog of a journal to PRIVATE. 

Not that I have any idea how to do that or really if I even want to, but drastic times cause for drastic measures right? Or is that even what the saying really is? Either way, I wish we could say what we think and feel and not have it effect everything around us and make the world come crumbling down. it's lame.

figuring out that feeling.

as i was reading a blog of another missionary girlfriend, this comment stuck out to me, "the thought of him missing out on these life memories that occur every single day saddens me. the fact that he has missed countless performances, vacations, and family dinners kills me. the fact that he's missed his sister get her drivers licence and missed thanskgiving with his family kills me. the fact that he can't be with his family for christmas breaks my heart. he's missing out on so many things and sometimes i think it's not fair. so many jokes, laughs, cries, movies, talks and other experiences have happened..without him. i'm afraid of making new memories..because i feel bad that he's not here to experience them at all. he only hears about them. the thought breaks my heart." These are my exact feelings, I could just never figure out what that hole in my heart was. The sad and lonely feeling. At times I feel myself starting to skip the parts in his letters that talk about what happened in his mission and not even reading his family emails all together, because Im not there with him. It's not our memories. When he was here I got so used to all memories belonging to US and now... we don't share any. These are mine in Utah... and his in Texas. 


The worst part is that I feel so selfish all the time because I feel this way. I can't help it though. When you love someone as much as I do, you want to share every single thing with them. Create lasting memories with them. These are two years of memories that we will always have, but never be able to share. We now are living separate lives. I am so grateful for this opportunity that he has to be out serving the Lord. I really would never wish he had not gone, because I know it is the right thing to do. But you would also think I would be used to it now after 14 months. In fact, it is getting worse. It is closer to him coming home, and now all he can talk about is how much he loves it there, doesn't want to leave, and hates how fast time is going. That is so good... but twists my heart at the same time. I just want him to be excited to see me, want to come home to memories again. I know this all sounds so horrible, sometimes you just have to say how you feel.


I think this is why I am such a homebody. I don't want to go out and make memories because I feel bad that he isn't there with me. I hate doing things that I can't tell him about because it will make him jealous, so I simply don't. I don't really have a life because I only want to share it with him. Lonely is not a fun state of life though. And it is slowly driving me insane. He is out living his life and I should be living mine, yet here I sit, wishing I could go out and travel with my girls, but won't because I have to save my money to get married or pay for Cam's schooling. I don't think I have to think this way. Or do things in spite of Cam... but I do. I think I need counseling. Maybe a talk with my mother would be best. 

butterflies or knives?

they say that once you pass your year mark time flies so fast. and it has. i can't even believe that in two weeks we will be seeing a whole new year...

but somedays it feels like he's never coming home.
here comes a moment of honesty.

i miss him.
lots
and each day that i know is closer to him getting home,
the more anxious and impatient i get.
this love story i have chosen is not an easy one at all.
and i will never give up,
just sometimes it just sucks.


today my mind is going a million miles a minute.
parker is coming home
and going to the airport to see him is not going to make any of this easier.
im trying to shut my brain off and just not think.
but its so hard.
i miss him.
i want him home.
i want time to go by just a bit faster.
and it will

patience.

pictures to be posted tonight.