as i was reading a blog of another missionary girlfriend, this comment stuck out to me, "the thought of him missing out on these life memories that occur every single day saddens me. the fact that he has missed countless performances, vacations, and family dinners kills me. the fact that he's missed his sister get her drivers licence and missed thanskgiving with his family kills me. the fact that he can't be with his family for christmas breaks my heart. he's missing out on so many things and sometimes i think it's not fair. so many jokes, laughs, cries, movies, talks and other experiences have happened..without him. i'm afraid of making new memories..because i feel bad that he's not here to experience them at all. he only hears about them. the thought breaks my heart." These are my exact feelings, I could just never figure out what that hole in my heart was. The sad and lonely feeling. At times I feel myself starting to skip the parts in his letters that talk about what happened in his mission and not even reading his family emails all together, because Im not there with him. It's not our memories. When he was here I got so used to all memories belonging to US and now... we don't share any. These are mine in Utah... and his in Texas.
The worst part is that I feel so selfish all the time because I feel this way. I can't help it though. When you love someone as much as I do, you want to share every single thing with them. Create lasting memories with them. These are two years of memories that we will always have, but never be able to share. We now are living separate lives. I am so grateful for this opportunity that he has to be out serving the Lord. I really would never wish he had not gone, because I know it is the right thing to do. But you would also think I would be used to it now after 14 months. In fact, it is getting worse. It is closer to him coming home, and now all he can talk about is how much he loves it there, doesn't want to leave, and hates how fast time is going. That is so good... but twists my heart at the same time. I just want him to be excited to see me, want to come home to memories again. I know this all sounds so horrible, sometimes you just have to say how you feel.
I think this is why I am such a homebody. I don't want to go out and make memories because I feel bad that he isn't there with me. I hate doing things that I can't tell him about because it will make him jealous, so I simply don't. I don't really have a life because I only want to share it with him. Lonely is not a fun state of life though. And it is slowly driving me insane. He is out living his life and I should be living mine, yet here I sit, wishing I could go out and travel with my girls, but won't because I have to save my money to get married or pay for Cam's schooling. I don't think I have to think this way. Or do things in spite of Cam... but I do. I think I need counseling. Maybe a talk with my mother would be best.