November Nineth

two years ago today i said goodbye to my best friend. it was honestly one of the hardest things i have ever done. that day is still crystal clear in my mind and i remember everything about it. being up at our spot together, playing in the snow. i still can't believe he nailed me right in the face. smash burger with jamie and clint and listening to music really loud in my car. falling asleep in his arms for a nice little nap. packing up his room. all of the many meltdowns. dinner with his family. driving to my house. going up to my room for a blessing and us bawling our eyes out. saying goodbye to my family and lingering by the car, putting off the inevitable. saying goodbye and our last kiss. him calling me on his way home, late for his setting apart. i can picture it all. what a weird day.

now here i am, two years later with only five days left. how fast and slow time went. its almost perfect that it is snowing today. today i need a comfort day.

lately i have been so overwhelmed with the thought of him being home, the blessings the future holds, the sadness of my knee being injured and not being able to run, eating everything in sight because of nerves, going through surgery for the first time, being basically handicapped and not able to sleep or do anything, dreams of him not wanting anything to do with me, my weight rising higher than i want, and simply missing him. but i know that if i keep going it will all be worth it.

if it wasn't a blizzard outside and i wasn't so homely looking, i would be out filming at our spot, eating lunch at smash burger and spending my night cuddled up with some ben and jerrys watching a chick flick to make me feel better. but im at work and its too snowy to go anywhere. its okay though, because in five days, it will all be better. he makes everything better.

no one will really understand how i feel except those who have gone through what i have. its not fun... but will be worth it!