Saturday, October 6, 2012

all in the lords timing

it bewilders me to think that a year ago me and my dad were begging the stake president to let me go on my mission at 20. i understood that it would extend the period of time i couldn't see cam for another 6 months, but he kept telling us there was nothing he could do. i couldn't help but feel a little bit saddened that the announcement made this morning did not come a year earlier, especially because this past year has been one of the hardest of my growing up years and I have had to go through so much that i wouldn't have had to being on a mission. it makes me wonder what kind of person i would have been and if that would have made me better for Cameron.

I also thought to myself, with this change, that would have meant that Cameron would be home by now. I wouldn't be waiting another 38 days for him to come back.

then i am humbled when i think about what if that really was the case and he could have left at 18. me and him started dating only 1 month before graduation and even then it wasn't official until graduation. we would have never started dating, never dated and definitely never would have realized our full love and commitment to each other. ultimately, i would not be with him today and in retrospect, for eternity.

as for me going on a mission... not going to lie, it has definitely made me wonder if i still am supposed to serve. i must have needed to learn something this past grueling year and maybe not for right now, but experiences for marriage, church callings or my future children. i trust the lord and i know that it is all in his timing.

i just can't help but think about how different my life would be right now and the person i would be. and quite frankly... it makes me wonder if i even like who i am right now. and maybe i am just thinking way too much into this. all i know is that the lord has a plan for me and right now it is to do my best, fulfill my calling, support Cameron and be a strong part in my family.


Batash said...

I had similar feelings as to the announcements yesterday. It admittedly made me feel like the idea of marriage was somehow downgraded. I know that wasn't the case, but it still stung. I was jealous of all the girls our age or younger, suddenly posting they wanted to go on missions. I've always wanted to go on a mission, but had accepted that I am on my own personal mission.
Sometimes Satan tries to work at us with thoughts that are irrational, and beside the point of what we should really be feeling.
There is no use focusing on "what ifs" I think they are heart breaking and destructive. Life is what it is. You are where because of the choices you have made, and they made you stronger.
If I were you I wouldn't worry about whether or not you will be good enough for Cameron. You are the only girl I know that waited for a missionary, and focused on bettering herself. That is so crucial when you have a missionary out and you have done that.
I've read your blog for a long while now, and I can already tell in your writing the huge differences you have made.
I read in your post above this one that Eyerings talk spoke to you. It spoke to me as well, and I hope you continue to be happy and remember what you have written and what he said, because you have beautiful things in store for you! You're doing amazing.

(sorry for the long winded comment but maybe I just really needed to say it :))

.just.sky. said...

Thank you so much Ash!! You are such a sweetheart and seriously the Lord knows us and our path. He is going to make us happier than we could have ever imagined and even though a mission was not our path... it could be in the future! You are such a great example to me girl!! Keep up that positive attitude and be happy!! :) :)